Some people really just have it better when they don't even have to try...
I guess you're happy now, feeling loved. Maybe it's a first. I don't know if i should be hoping its your last.

Probably it's better if one doesn't try. I bet she didn't try.
Or least try as hard as I did.
I don't understand how it affects me still...and i'm losing my grip in fighting it.

I tried my hardest to a point, i didn't know what to do anymore.
I tried my hardest to a point, i lost myself.
I tried my hardest to a point, i cry waking up looking like a wreck.
I tried my hardest to a point, i wanted to be someone else.
I tried my hardest to a point, when the only person i wanted to see smile, was you.
And then you realise, that what's the point in trying when someone else got you even without it. And me? I got nothing but tears and a shattering heart.

So don't try, just don't try at all. I swear i'll never try again. ever.
Cos trying brings you nothing. And when you try and you realise what it brings you, your world crumbles, yet again.

Everything is reduced to this, to this running away.
Makes the days into one day, makes time stop,
stretches and compacts time until it is meaningless.
For me, for me you've been everything.
Every minute of my life since then has been marked by your absence.
Every action has lacked dimension because you're not there to measure against.

why is it so simple for you and so tough for me?

It softens the blow but it does nothing for the wound...
Even if it hurts, it's nothing new..

Something sunk so low inside me, I couldn't find it anymore.
You get shut out and you feel like a steel door has been locked.
You're banging, but he can't hear you.
And being unheard means you've reached the ground floor of giving up,
and giving up is the ground floor of doing yourself in.
The loneliness seems to squat in my lungs and crush everything,
but my most minimal breathing.

One day. You'll be insignificant.
One day. You'll be someone of the past.
One day. The pain will go away.
That day I anticipate.

Leaving was easy for you but it tore me apart.
While you were painting the town red and making your rounds here,
I was trying to make my tears disappear.
I made mistakes I'll never make again.
I gave everything I had which I'll never give again.
So all that loss and all that pain was worthy,
Cos all I learnt will bring me somewhere, someday.
It feels like I'm going around in circles.
They say time heals all wounds.
I say I think time forgot about me.

Everyday I ask myself questions, everyday I wonder..
Are you eating well?
Are you sleeping well?
Is your fever getting better?
Is she taking good care of you?
Are you happy?
And then I ask myself again...
You never bothered anyways...
So why should I?

Oh look what you've done to me..
I'm in pieces around your feet...
No, don't take back what you said..
We'll just leave it the way we left it there..

Sometimes I wonder if you'd....
But I realised you never did..
I finally believe when you say you don't deserve cos all along I thought you might.
I know now for sure.. You deserve nothing I did.
Everything's too good and you weren't worth it.
So all it just was.. a brutal mistake.
A pain so sharp, I had to take..
And this price I'd pay for this worthless heartache.

Going through the motions of my daily life kills me slowly.
Because the little bits make up my whole emotion.
Everywhere I turn, I seem to see you.
Everything I do, seems to remind me of you.
I wished all this time I'm spending with him.. I was spending with you.

Am i better off this way?
If i'm supposed to, why don't i feel like it?
I'm trying to get the drive i lost, when i was lost in you.
Everything between you and me, was almost everything about you.
I lost myself and all that i believed in.
Blind and guiltless i was, hoping fate twists around and bat for my team...
Just this once...

Turned out, as fate had always planned...
No detours, no miracles, no consideration.
A cruel selfless lie.
So huge, i can no longer breathe.
A dagger through my heart, every minute...
A few inches deeper

Feelings are never due..
They get you all confused...
They drive you around for hours...
And drop you right where you started..

be in my shoes..
let's trade shoes..
just so you see what it's like to be me...
and i'll be you..
just so you see what it's like to feel my pain..

look inside each others' minds...
look inside each others' hearts...
just to see what we'll eventually find...
look at shit through each others' eyes....

pathetic. that's what i am.
oh i laugh at myself to think that you would have thought differently.
but no, i was wrong.

me and the passer-by on the street. are the same. equal.
i'm no different, whatever i do and whatever i've done.
foolishness, i wonder.

and oh, how i actually miss you.

plain pathetic, foolish and extremely retarded.

my dumb self.

When i'm with him, i think of you...

been back from hongkong, since 2weeks ago..
and i missed it like hell the minute i stepped on homeland.
oh well, maybe an august summer sale spree?
hehe. i wished!
there's still taipei to go with J. which also falls in august.
argh. where to find all that moolah anyways?
hopefully i'll get a windfall. i dream huh.

you keep me guessing on what this is, this strange and unusual feeling that amazes me.
how do i tame this chasing heart?
i resist every effort to initiate contact, yet, i'm constantly dissatisfied when i do.

what has become of me?

How did i get myself into this? And how do i make it better?
Heal my heart... heal my powdered heart....

something seems to be wrong...
that voice and tone... i think i vaguely heard it before...
the ignorance and brutality in that voice...
is finally making me see the real picture...
what do you take me for?

that conversation keeps replaying in my head....
like a fucking broken record that won't go away...
i hate myself..
i hate you for making me hate myself...
i hate you for making me feel the pain...
i hate you for making my eyes burn and well up in tears.

i hate to cry.. and you made me cry.

novelty.. I hate that word.

Everything about you tugs at my heartstrings...

You say..“she loves you".. But wait..

"She don’t love you like I love you.”

Familiar, I say the same now. Today. Tomorrow.

Every single day ever since.

Skips a beat, every beat, and it’s all for you.
I’m your fool.

What's novelty they say?

It's new and unique, fresh and exciting.

Pursuing novelty in life, is that an innate characteristic in humans?

They say, everyone cheats, it's human nature.

So why do they cheat?

NOVELTY.

For a long time, i believed that temptations and pursuits of novelty can be curbed.

Because, it's always about choices.

Examples around me, have proven my belief wrong.

And i'm losing that faith.

The faith i have in someone, i can trust with my life, who will never cheat.

But i guess, there isn't such a person in the world.

Or maybe it lies in his personality.

I cannot comprehend.

A man who's cheated once, can cheat again.

Only because, novelty is something that never goes away.

It'll always be there.

So no matter how hard you fight it, and how much you'd wanna keep him...

If it's in him...and he makes the wrong choice.. it'll happen again.

And everytime it happens, it feels like someone put a hand to your heart

and gave it a good, hard squeeze.

So maybe.. our mentalities just have to change.

Otherwise hearts don't shatter to pieces you can pick up anymore..

It just turns to powder everytime you get hurt..

And it gets smaller.... and smaller...

a wise man once said you can have anything in life,
if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

what he meant is, nothing comes without a price, so before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose.

too often, going after what feels good means letting go of
what you know is right
And letting someone in means abandoning the walls
you've spent a lifetime building.

of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or to measure the potential loss.

when that happens, when the battle chooses us and
not the other way around.

that's when the sacrifices can turn out to be more than we can bear...

You seem far away even though you’re right next to me…
I’m starting to notice the little changes…
The emptiness in your eyes…
There is just so much I want to say… but I’m not brave.
I’m not brave enough to face the response…
I’m not brave enough to lose… everything…

why do you not see me and what must i do to ever be enough?

This day… has too many complications and obligations.
How I desperately want to free myself from it all.
But yet, I sit here and click away on my keyboard.

The sun is showing its prowess today.
Scorching and torching everyone… me…
Despite what my common sense tells me, my heart seems to feel like it has been scrunched up like a piece of unwanted paper…
How unwanted do I feel, only my wall in the night knows.

J has been through a tough time.
How much must you put into, to finally get what you deserve.
I thought she got what she deserved, for changing and making it all work.
But she didn’t.
He broke her heart.
I cried when she cried.
I want to hold her hand the whole time.
But deep inside, you know, it’s not going to heal the pain.
It’s so hard to let it all go.
You wouldn’t know if you’ve never put your heart and soul into something.
And when you do, and then it crumbles down on you.
Only cause of his philandering heart…
The pain…. It’s excruciating.

No matter what.
Never lie.
I’ll take the truth, even if it splits me inside.

Finally…
I learnt what kills is …when I’ve been there for a long long time…
Right there…. And right next to you…
And you don’t see me.