You made me psycho, you fucking cunt!

I was looking through my old laptop, cos i needed a document in it...
And i saw that folder.
That folder that consists every single text message from you.
I kept everything, every text message, every day. For so long.

I miss you, so very much...so much that you make me wanna die.

I had to clean out my desk and the office space surrounding me today..
Cos we'll be having a farewell party tommorrow for someone in the office
and its gonna be HUGE.. So the 'clear-out-your-desk' memo was out.

I thought I was done with clearing you out of my life,but boy was I wrong.
Amidst all the inhaling of dusts and filthy newspapers and magazines,
I found a notebook I used in '08.

Flipped it through and found many firsts.
First movie marathon..
First trip..
First time I wrote a million recipes that I only succeeded in baking one edible.

Then I saw the huge-ass paperbag that I used to contain a box just as huge,
packed with lil" neon sticks, panadol, small lil" post-its filled with quirky notes,
herbal tea, pictures.. all that and then some...
The lil" medic box for you.
How I scrambled around till wee hours of the morning to put together,
and lugged to work to have the courier surprise you at your place.
All for that tiny smile on your face.

And all I got from you was.. ' I think you have too much time on your hands..'

Sigh.. A lil' burst of warmth and happiness when my eyes caught sight of these lil' moments,
and then in a split second. My eyes started to burn.

You.
I'm amazed at myself for what I did and what I'll do..for you.

Amusing, amazing and exhilarating..
Just for you and only you... I'll do these things..
In your eyes, these stupid lil' things...
Always will be...
My first and my last...

You've probably forgotten that I've ever existed but here I am, thinking about you.

Turning 25 without you, breaks my heart...
Amidst all that misery, that smile on your face brings a smile to mine.
As long as you're happy, anything goes....

Happy birthday me. Happy happy birthday. May I be happy. Soon.

The glow on your face, I wish one day I'll smile like that too...

The feeling of missing is bursting at its seams....
I don't know why I still want you.
I just wanna go away from here.

I just wanna get away from everything that reminds me of you...
When does this end?
When do I finally stop?
When does it finally stop?

When do I not want you anymore?

They say 'fate is in your hands'... I think that's just fucking bullshit.
If fate is in your hands, then what is luck there for?
They say 'to get what you want, you'll have to take the first step and try'
That's just bull too. I tried, I bloody mudderfucking tried.
But what did it bring me?
Nothing. That's what it brought.
So.. Let things be the way it is.. Cos it'll come if its yours. And you probably wouldn't needa try.

I don't remember how your voice sound anymore...

It's one of those nights.. Those many nights I've been trying to put myself to sleep..
Scared I'll see you in my dreams, scared to see that image of you walking away from me...
Countless times I've seen that when I'm asleep, that image with your back against me,
With you ignoring me, walking further and further away.. Sometimes with her in your hand..
The pain strikes me every night, the lingering sick feeling sinking at the bottom of my tummy welcomes me when I wake..
How long is this gonna take?
Cos I don't know how long I'll be able to withhold this pain.
I feel like I'm drifting.
When I think of your face.. That face so familiar yet seems so much of a stranger..
I'm starting to have trouble differentiating between the two.
In a split second, it seemed like it didn't happen at all, like it was dream.
But yet it seemed so real.
I'm scaring myself... Am I trying too hard to erase the pain to a point I wanna erase the past?

I went to Zouk last night, and it finally hit me, how long I haven't been the usual me..
When people who worked there, saw me and the first thing they said was 'its time you came out!'
But these people didn't know what went on.. They thought I just disappeared. Or maybe they knew?
I don't know, facebook does wonders these days. Everyone seems to know everything..

I finally had the courage to take you outta my life, bit by bit I erased you away..
The last, was yesterday, when I deleted you off my phonebook.
All this time, I was afraid to type 'Andr', cos your name would appear.
How silly can one get, to be scared of going to their own mobile phonebook?
That silly person, was me.
Now I don't have to be afraid of going to 'A' anymore.
I never thought of deleting cos no matter how many times I hit 'delete', your number's in my head.
I just thought it was stupid, but I'm more dumb than I think.
Oh well, happy new year world!
Make my new year an awesome one!

Everything in my room was the way it is since, until yesterday...
Afraid I'll see remnants of you around my room, I never wanted to touch any of it..
But I did yesterday, I cleared out my room...
And there you were.. I found bits and pieces of you lying around..
Looking at it.. Piece after piece.. My heart wrenched like it could kill..
It ached all over again..
I placed it all in a box, shoved in the back of a cupboard I know I'll never open.
Hoping one day, when I open it up again, my heart wouldn't ache anymore.

Thinking its all over and forgotten...
I saw you and her today, you looked happy. I'm glad someone is.
That face so familiar and yet I walk on by as if we've never met before.

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walked away

I realised I've written pages and pages trying to rid you off my bones.
But it seems like it isn't going anywhere.

Every single time I cry.. I get a lil' bit stronger.

If only everything was simple…
I feel like making myself disappear..
Wouldn’t it be good if one doesn’t have a heart?
When you get hurt, you wouldn’t bleed, and when you get sad, you wouldn’t tear.
You wouldn’t need to have pride nor a tinge of dignity.
The disdain you see shining through my eyes,
could only be the paralysed side of my heart,
with the other side dissolving into nothing.